Life in the Reign of Trump

Jaida Macklin, Design Editor

I woke up immediately, my eyelids fluttering open as my alarm clock screeched at it’s highest volume.
Sitting up to hit the holographic snooze button on my iPhone 9s, my arms lifted in the air as I stretched out the cricks in my back.

Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, my bare feet touched the cold floor before padding over to my window.

I pulled back my curtains to peer at my beautiful morning view: a brick wall.

I couldn’t help but sigh lovingly as I gazed at the enormous 50-foot high concrete, the background filled with noises of drills and construction tracks.

They weren’t finished just yet, but soon, the dream of the nation would be complete.

We’d finally be protected from that place they call a country, filled with drug-dealers and criminals.

It’s 2019 and, as of now, the United States of America has been gifted with the best president yet, His Majesty Donald John Trump.

Elected in 2016 after winning by a smidge over Clinton, Trump has simply been a motivation to nations everywhere with his drive for setting our country straight.

Strolling down the street on my way to school, listening to the straight fire that was Riff Raff’s new mixtape, I couldn’t help but marvel at my scenery.

You couldn’t go five miles without seeing our president’s lovely orange face and golden tuft of hair, as his face was plastered on every billboard and poster.

Three years and I still couldn’t get over it.

It’s been three years since the “biggest migration of the century” occurred.

For some peculiar reason, right after Trump was elected, millions of Americans moved out of the country – well, at least, those who could afford it.

Most of the traitors headed for Canada.

That damn Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau must have bribed them with his promises of weird maple ham bacon and free health care. Whatever.

At least one good thing came out of the migration: Trump didn’t need to deport any aliens after all; they all left voluntarily!

Last week, the U.S. Census Bureau issued an official report stating that the minority demographics in America have decreased from 44 percent to 25 percent under the Trump administration.

Basically, Trump has succeeded in making America white again! Uh, I mean, great again!

In addition to his wonderful policies, Trump has vowed to make America a safer place to live.

He has advised all black people not to wear hoodies and Muslim-Americans to go without “all that senseless getup” in order to ensure their safety as well as pacify the other civilians.

On another good note, the KKK is simply flourishing since Trump was elected! In fact, Trump and its leader hosted an episode of SNL the other day.

Isn’t it just amazing when all members of a community can come together?

So what if we lost China and Mexico as allies in the process, but honestly, who needed them anyway?
Besides, once Trump is finished, they’ll come crawling back in no time.

So what if our economy is completely in the toilet because we elected someone whose businesses went bankrupt at least four times?

So what if we were on the brink of a war because Mr. President called the North Korean prime minister an insult that shouldn’t be repeated?


What a time to be alive.